Vasco described what he had been looking for in one line: "a place where there's no bullshit."
That is most men's real criterion. The problem is that every retreat website promises depth, brotherhood and transformation, in roughly the same words, and from the outside they all look the same. From the inside, they are not.
The most important thing is safety. And safety comes from the facilitators: men who are not afraid to go first, and who travel alongside the men, not above them, but with them. Everything else on this list exists to protect that safety and to make the change last: whether the retreat has an application process, how big the group is, and what support you get once you go home.
The short version: choose a men's retreat by what doesn't show up in the photographs or reels. First, safety: are the facilitators trained, doing their own work, and willing to go first and walk alongside the men rather than above them? Then the three things that make a retreat both safe and transformative: is there an application process, how big is the group, and what happens after everyone goes home? Those three questions tell you almost everything you need to know. Price and location matter less than most men think.
I lead men's retreats myself, so you know where I stand. Still, I would always rather you choose the right retreat for you, even if it is not mine, than choose mine for the wrong reasons. The questions below will help you select the right men's retreat for you.
1. Who is holding the space, and what is their training?
Deep feelings surface at a retreat. The people facilitating need real training, not just charisma or an interesting personal story. Ask directly: what is your training? A serious facilitator will welcome the question. For what it is worth, I hold an MA in Psychosynthesis Psychology and am an accredited shamanic practitioner; my co-facilitator Arun holds an MSc in Occupational Psychology. You are allowed to and should ask anyone for their credentials.
2. Is the facilitator doing his own work, and does he do it alongside you?
Qualifications are not enough on their own. A facilitator has to embody what he teaches and share from experience he has actually lived. If a man facilitating a retreat isn't doing his own work, part of you will know. Why would you follow someone who wouldn't be willing to go first?
This is where safety actually comes from. A facilitator who goes first, who shares what is alive in him during the retreat, and does the work alongside the men makes it safe for every man there to do the same. A facilitator who sits above the process, guiding from a comfortable distance, does not. A real men's facilitator is not above the men. He's fully there with them.
Oscar, another men's work facilitator, puts it in one line: "We need more real models, not more role models." He borrows the idea from Tupac Shakur, who said he wanted to be a real model, not a role model. That is the standard.
One founder told me exactly why he had avoided coaches for years: too many "help other people who haven't done anything themselves". He was right to be discerning. Be discerning.
3. Does the retreat have an application process?
A serious retreat asks about your health, your history, what's challenging you, and what you really want before accepting you. This protects you and protects the group. If a retreat takes anyone with a credit card, walk away.
4. How big is the group?
Group size decides how much personal attention each man gets. With a group of 12 to 24 men, there is enough time for everyone to be seen and heard, and the group is small enough to build real trust and connection in a few days. Much bigger than that, and there simply isn't enough time or attention for each man's process, no matter how good the facilitators are. Ask how many facilitators and support crew are supporting the retreat, and work out the ratio. The Return of Men caps at 22 men in Portugal, where the retreat space sets the limit, and 24 in the UK, each with two facilitators and a support team.
5. What happens after?
This is the question most men forget to ask, and it matters as much as anything that happens on the retreat itself. The retreat opens a door of potential. The weeks after are where the new way of living either takes hold or slips away. Ask concretely: are there integration calls, and how many? Does the group stay in contact afterwards? Can you reach the facilitators if something surfaces once you are home? A retreat that ends at the closing circle, with no follow-up, has done half the job. Many retreats offer nothing here, so this question will quickly shorten your list.
6. What actually happens in the days?
You should be able to get an honest answer to this before you book, and an honest answer is not the same as a complete one. A serious retreat will tell you clearly which kinds of practices it works with (circles, breathwork, cold water, ceremony, movement, time in nature), that every practice is an invitation, and how it keeps everyone safe.
What it may not give you is the hour-by-hour programme, and that is deliberate. Not knowing exactly what comes next is part of how an initiation works, and it always has been since the dawn of time. At The Return of Men we keep parts of the programme unspoken for exactly that reason.
The difference between healthy not-knowing and a red flag is simple. A serious retreat is open about its principles, its safety and its people, and keeps only the sequence to itself. If a retreat won't even tell you what kinds of practices it uses, whether you can opt out, or who is facilitating them, walk away. I have written what actually happens at a men's retreat as the honest answer for my retreats.
7. Is there proof beyond adjectives?
Almost every retreat has testimonials on its sales page, and they are easy to produce. Ask for more: real men, named, speaking on video, ideally from more than one year, so you can see whether the retreat delivers consistently. The Return of Men publishes its full record publicly, 2024, 2025 and 2026, because "does it work" deserves real evidence. Ask any retreat you're considering for the same, and read do men's retreats actually work for what the evidence could look like.
You can and should also ask to speak with men who participated in the past. Ask if you can talk to them directly and hear about their experience. A good retreat will connect you with willing men who want to share what it was like for them and how it helped.
A guru at the centre who is above the work. Pressure to book now, with countdown timers. No application process. No straight answer about the kinds of practices used, whether you can opt out, or who is holding them. Promises of permanent transformation in a few days. Any suggestion that you owe the leader loyalty afterwards. One or two of these can be sloppiness. Three together is a pattern, and you should put your money, trust, and time elsewhere.
They answer different needs, and honest facilitators will say so.
Therapy works one-to-one, over time, at depth. If you are in acute crisis or carrying heavy trauma, start there, not at a retreat.
A men's circle meets regularly, usually a few hours at a time. Good ones build real connection over months. Remi came to his retreat through exactly that route: a men's circle in Lisbon.
A retreat compresses what a circle does over a year into a handful of days, and adds what only immersion can: you eat, wake, and do the work alongside the same men, with no commute back to normal life between sessions. That is why the retreat often unlocks what the weekly format cannot.
Many men do all three at different times. None of them is better than the others. They are different tools for different moments.
In my experience, the retreat is for the man who has already done some work on himself, or is at least open to doing it. Often he has tried other things that did not work for him. He is ready to go deeper. And sometimes he has simply reached a threshold: a point where he is stuck and cannot move on by himself.
It is also for the man who is ready to feel what he has been carrying, let go of it, and find out what is next for him. The man who is asking himself: is this it? Those are exactly the moments the Return of Men retreat is for.
The right retreat is usually closer than most men think it needs to be. What matters about the location is that it gives you: nature, silence, and distance from your routine. Beyond that, choose what lets you actually attend. The Return of Men runs twice in 2027: 12 to 16 May at BioVilla near Lisbon, and 8 to 12 September at Elmore in Gloucestershire, within easy reach of London, Bristol and Birmingham.
After everything above, there is one more test, and Adam described it in one line. Asked how he decided to come, he said: "Something just clicked: you have to be there."
Read the retreat's description. Look at its photos and videos. Then notice your body. Somewhere in you there is a yes, a no, or a not yet, and it is usually right. The checklist above exists to protect that instinct from marketing, not to replace it.
If The Return of Men is on your shortlist, leave your email or fill out the application for Portugal, 12 to 16 May 2027 or the UK, 8 to 12 September 2027, then we'll schedule a call with you. On the call, we'll get clearer on where you are, where you want to be, and if this is the right experience for you.
Start with safety: are the facilitators trained, doing their own work, and doing it alongside the men rather than above them? Then the three things that make a retreat safe and make the change last: whether it has an application process, group size (12 to 24 men is the workable range), and what integration support follows. Then check for public proof beyond the sales page.
No application process, no straight answer about the kinds of practices used or who is holding them, a guru figure who sits above the work, booking pressure and countdown timers, promises of permanent change in a few days, and no support after the retreat ends. Any three together should remove that option from your list.
Ask these seven:
A serious retreat answers all seven questions clearly and welcomes the asking.
Different tools. Therapy works one-to-one over time and comes first for acute crisis or deep trauma. A retreat works through the group and the body over a few immersive days. Many men use both; a retreat often accelerates what therapy has opened, and is sometimes what allows the therapy to go deeper.
A circle meets for a few hours regularly and builds connection over months. A retreat is immersive: several days with the same men, with no return to normal life between sessions, which is why it often unlocks what a weekly format cannot. Many men in my retreats came through a circle first.
In Europe, serious multi-day retreats with trained facilitation, an application process and integration support typically run four figures. Cheaper usually means larger groups or no follow-up; more expensive usually buys luxury, not depth. Judge the container, not the price tag.
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